At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
