no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
