My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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