So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
