The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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