benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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