i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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