New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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