How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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