Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn