You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
