Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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