can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
