woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
