just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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