i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
