oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles