Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.