Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.