Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
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okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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