You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
