you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
