here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
