I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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