actually, I'm a sock model
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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