i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
