I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
