thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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