You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
