and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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