You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
