I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
