Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
