guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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