I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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