I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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