Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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