I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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