I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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