I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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