I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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