my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
