Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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