he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
