did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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