Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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