I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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