Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
