If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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