dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
