hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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