I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
