Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
