The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
