Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
