Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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